Editing:
1) In the middle of paragrpah one, there needs to be a comma before the fan boy because I want to connect two independent clauses.
2) In paragraph two, since its not a quote the comma goes inside the quoatation marks.
3) In paragraph three in the second sentence there needs to be a fan boy with the comma because it is joining a comlpete sentence with a dependent clause.
Revision:
1) in paragrpah three I need to focus all of my sentences to the same end. They must work together, in the same direction, to guide the reader to the right place.
2) Paragraph four needs different word choice for more description or explanation to amke the point clear.
3) Paragraph nine needs "un-packing", more description to convey the gravity of what has happened. I need more explanation to the reader so they understand and feel what the character/ hero does at that time.
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